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Q

Dear Daniel,

I study in a boarding school where six students share a dormitory (宿舍). Sometimes I feel under pressure because of my lack of personal space. To make matters worse, I dare not tell the person who disturbs (打扰) me when I want to have a quiet environment to study alone or get some sleep. Mac

A

Dear Mac,

When we share a small space with others, it’s difficult to balance everyone’s needs. There’s strong social pressure to keep peace. Meanwhile, everyone is secretly unhappy. This can cause tension (紧张). There are reality TV shows about this exact situation.

Social pressure is powerful, but you will need to speak up for yourself or you will go crazy. Open communication is the key to solving and preventing most problems.

First, you might talk individually to the guy who is bothering you. Take him out for coffee – if things go badly, you are both free to get up and walk away. Stay calm. Explain your problem. He may become defensive (防御的), he may be embarrassed (尴尬的), or he may be concerned. Try to find a compromise (折中方案).

The above is optional (可选择的). The following is a must:

You need to talk to all of your roommates together. Schedule (安排) a “house meeting”. Tell them that everyone will have a chance to talk about one issue. Then you can work together to fix those problems. You may even want to have a regular meeting, every two weeks or once a month.

You need to take the lead. Say something like this:

“We are six strangers living together in a small place. You all seem like good guys, but sometimes it’s difficult to live with you. You may think the same thing about me. Let’s respect each other. Let’s make this situation as good as we can.”

This won’t fix every problem, but it may prevent a lot of future problems. Daniel